


the final works of yoon dowoon

by yoonjeonghan



Series: (excerpts from) letters i will never send [5]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Five Stages of Grief, M/M, based on a nightmare i had, others arent, plus my intrusive thoughts, some parts are letter format, they live in taiwan !!, when is it not angst with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-26 22:48:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20938013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonjeonghan/pseuds/yoonjeonghan
Summary: jae's dead, right? so now what?or, in which dowoon only breaks when the line really snaps this time.





	the final works of yoon dowoon

**Author's Note:**

> had a horrible nightmare that someone i loved died. it was horrible but i wanted to write about it because, though devastating, i don't think i'll ever be able to ever sleep well again if i never wrote about it.

who would've known you'd die on the half year anniversary of our break up.

it's quite ironic, really, how six months ago on this very day, i was the one falling apart at the seams. i was the one lying on a pillow soaked with my own tears for 5 hours even though i had my math final exam the next day. half a year ago, you tore me apart from the inside out, and half a year later, nature decided to bite you in the ass.

honestly, i've gotten quite accustomed to a life without you; a life where we (pretend we) have never met before. but of course, your smile was irreplaceable, jae. it always was. shining with the radiance of a thousand suns. you gave that smile to anyone, anywhere, oh so freely, and i was one of the lucky ones to have caused that smile. at least at some point.

oh who am i kidding? who could i possibly be fooling, jae? this letter is addressed to you, and you are the only person who knows all my weaknesses. i reckon you saw right through all the false aggression in the first few paragraphs. you've always seen right through my lies. perhaps that's why you attracted me so much. with you, i felt like i could breathe. i felt like i could be honest with you and you wouldn't judge for a single second, because i had no choice anyway. you've seen me for who i really am, but you ended up leaving anyway.

that's only how i felt. even if your feelings were true in the beginning, it never really stuck around, did it? was i too fucked up for you to handle? did i end up scaring you away? does it even matter anymore, now that you're gone? you're never going to read this anyway, unless heaven is real and my bullshit hopes of you somehow receiving this letter in the afterlife after i bury it under the ground comes true.

let's both face it jae, it wont. you're gone and yet i'm still here. i always thought you'd outlive me, that you had so much more fighting spirit than i could ever dream of, yet here you are, six feet under. just like we've always been. six feet apart all this time, haven't we? our hearts six feet apart. our bodies six feet apart. our mindsets six feet apart. our fingers were the only factors that ever met. holding your hand in mine sent a wave of electricity through my veins, no matter how many times i felt your calloused skin and all the bandages that covered it. i wonder if i ever did the same for you.

i don't really know what i felt, or how i should be feeling, when the news broke out that you'd passed away in the middle of a surgery. i didn't even know you were _that_ sick. i didn't know anything about you and i think that's where most of my guilt comes from; not knowing anything and then therefore being unable to save you. not that i could've saved you from a fate like death anyway. i just wished somehow if we were still talking then there would be the slimmest chance of you making it through that procedure.

i knew you were fragile, but not this fragile. sometimes i get angry at you for that, for not keeping yourself healthy, but i'm also angry at myself. i knew about all your bad habits and yet i did almost nothing to stop it. i knew about your insomnia and your drinking problem and even the both of those at once when you called me drunk at 2 in the morning on the 22nd of march. i was an awful influence to you, and yet here i am with the absurd audacity to have been saying this whole time that you're the one who hurt me, when in reality, perhaps, i've hurt you more.

that was the oddest and yet most self-grounding revelation i have ever experienced. ironically, it's in a letter to a dead boy who i can no longer apologize to. i have a trillion things to say to you, and had i known that yesterday would be the last day i'd ever get to see you, i would've finally talked to you. would've finally made up. would've finally apologized. i would've hugged you for the first and only time in my life. god, there was so much more i wanted to do with you. so much more things i wanted to show you and tell you about. there's still so many things i haven't told you that i was saving for the later days that, as it turned out, would never come into existence.

i just hope there's an alternative universe out there where you're still alive. that you're okay and you can laugh freely like you did before all this. i hope that universes you knows that the love i have for you is still there, and i hope that's okay with you.


End file.
